Crazy is only the beginning...

So basically I have roamed this earth for 30 years, and I am still trying to figure this all out, figure myself all out, and what my place is in this crazy world.  It has for me been an unending maze of twists and turns, some involuntary and some out of my own devices.Which is most appartantly made my life journey much harder.  I am by definition a typical "self-sabatoger".  We have all made bad decisions and for some people its just a momentary lapse in judgement and for some like myself its a recurring behavior making it well a problem.  Well in this 30th year of my life although I am deprecate and old and about to drop dead at any minute, I have decided due to some very recent life altering, but not defining situations I found myself in, or should I better say I put myself in, have decided to try my very hardest try to reverse this pattern and with all hope make my life a much better story than what is has been.  I know you are all waiting for some big reveal but I really don't have one.  I just know from this moment, I am going to just accept that I am what I am, and I don't want to be anything else then maybe I wont feel the need to punish myself with idiotic behavior.  Why do we self-sabotage our own happiness sometimes?  Is it a conscious behavior or some kind of internal self-loathing?  Is it possible to change our behavior patterns and learn to just accept and love ourselves just like we were created?